Sorry (Joey's Response to Execution)
by Funnygrrl
Summary: This is a sort of sequel or answer to Pacey featuring some more of that wonderful Flickerstick music.


Sorry...  
  
by PW Grrl  
  
  
  
Sorry...wrong trajectory  
  
Combat is part of our chemistry  
  
Could you control me if you tried  
  
Cause its plan to see I'm overboard  
  
I'm thrown out, my ships are sent ashore  
  
Could you control me if you tried  
  
Cause you and I we may feel suprised  
  
To cry out loud just one more time  
  
Cause you're just another part of me  
  
Somehow I know you still believe  
  
You could control me if you tried  
  
So where's your heart at now  
  
Cause you're always running out  
  
When everyone seems to change  
  
Don't you know that I'm still feeling the blame  
  
Tonight I'm gonna be ready for you  
  
So let's break down  
  
I know that the pain still lies beneath you  
  
A common attractoin  
  
I wanted to see you  
  
I wanted to be you  
  
To be you someday  
  
Sorry...wrong trajectory  
  
Combat is part of our chemistry  
  
Could you control me if you tried  
  
  
  
'Sorry...Wrong Trajectory'  
  
As performed by Flickerstick  
  
Written by Brandin Lea  
  
  
  
I had never once deluded myself into believing that I was going to live some charmed life. I'm not a character in one of Dawson's optimistic short films. Life never seems to be as good as what Dawson's movie cameras project.  
  
I can remember a time when just laying in the same bed next to Pacey, listening to him do that deep breathing half snore thing felt like a religious experience. When feeling his fingertips graze my arm left me with goosebumps so bad that no amount of rubbing could cure them.  
  
For as long as I live though I will never be able to fully explain how we went from those warm moments to a day so cold I can still feel it in my bones.  
  
So maybe I start with the obvious Dawson. Yes Dawson. Pacey always believed it was Dawson between us. He wasn't between us. I loved two men in my life. I can't help that. I can't erase it or take it back just to make us all feel better. I loved and do love Dawson. But that does not take away from what I ever felt about Pacey. I gave him my soul, my life and after that I don't really know what was left to give.  
  
I had the priviledge of loving two men. Two of the most extraordinary people you will ever meet. How do you choose when you're in love? Well I made my choice. I choose Pacey. I chose him on the docks. I chose him in Boston. That never quelled his insecurities. I could never quiet that screaming in his head. When it came down to it I wasn't enough I guess.  
  
Could I give up Dawson? Could I tell Dawson he couldn't be a part of my life. No, never. I loved Pacey but Dawson was a part of me just as he was. Dawson had been my world as a child and my confidant as an adult. I should have never been put in a position to choose. And maybe I never was.  
  
Pacey never once came to me and said, "Give up Dawson or Him or Me." But everyday felt like that. The two of them together was agonizing strained politeness. Keeping the two of them happy and occupied was a rough job that left me with knots in my stomach and worry in my heart.  
  
Boston had started off as this great adventure for Pacey and I. We were the masters of our own downfall though. Pacey had no interest in anything that interested me. And well though it's too late now to admit it I didn't belive in Pacey the way I should have. What's wrong with dreaming of building boats? His job embarassed me. He wasn't a student, an "intellectual" so I had to make his life sound acceptable. I could always see the hurt cloud his eyes when I did that. And at the time, I didn't care. It's things like that we don't notice or care about until it's too late to apologize for it.  
  
See I never had to apologize or make excuses for Dawson's life. He was doing well. He was doing what I always wanted him to do, pine for me. I have never said it, not once. I was even afraid to think it like both of them could read my selfish little mind. Sometimes what we want isn't the right thing, the good thing.  
  
I wanted both of them. I wanted the best of both of them. I wanted all of them. It was selfish and it was wrong but I'm not in the habit of telling half truths anymore. No life has gotten far too out of control for that.  
  
Keeping it inside. Keeping our lies and our thoughts to ourselves will ultimately be the key to our own demise. Pacey died because of it. He laid in my arms with sorrow so heavy on his soul that it hurt him to breathe, to exist.  
  
Did I do that? All by myself. God I hope not.  
  
Dawson tells me it's not my fault. I like to believe that. I like to believe that Pacey had a problem. He was an addict.  
  
I was an addict to. I was addicted to him. I stayed with him long after we both knew it was over. I let his addictive behavior slide. We lived in a silent combat zone. Fear of him doing something rash controlled me. Ultimately Pacey was controlling me without even trying.  
  
Afraid for him and myself I hung on. Forget hanging on. I clung to him like we about to fall from a cliff. We had fallen without realizing it though. We were down at the bottom, laying on the ground bruised and battered...near death. The only thing keeping us together was two little fingers looped together. We didn't have to hold on anymore though bc the fall killed us yet again though we hadn't noticed.  
  
I wanted to give myself a chance to survive. I let go. I left him laying there broken and bleeding. And trust me that I felt just as guilty as if I'd thrown him from the cliff myself. I couldn't save him though. I could barely keep my own head above water.  
  
He watched me leave. He just sat on the damn couch and let me go. There was no fight. We were way beyond that. I tried to leave him with words, comfort words. Who was I kidding? Who was I comforting, him or me? His eyes were so blank that I barely recognized him.  
  
I showed up at Dawson's unannounced, soaking wet from the rain. He held me tight to him. I knew that he meant it. I wanted to feel loved and safe. He took my clothes from me. I'm not sure who initiated it but I found myself beneath him. His breath on my face and hands in my hair. I closed my eyes and held him close to me. None of it was familiar. None of it felt like it was supposed to. None of it was Pacey.  
  
I loved Dawson. I love Dawson. That doesn't always mean that it was meant to be. Because I was there with him as close as two people can get and I felt sick. I was crying on the inside because it wasn't Pacey.  
  
Dawson held me that night. I closed my eyes tight and pretended that Pacey could still feel that way to me. The way he felt a lifetime before. The last time he felt like that on the Cape.  
  
The Cape. A shiver dances down my spine and my blood goes cold. I hurt when I think of Pacey laying down and dying there. And I'm angry as all hell thinking back on it. He shoved our future up his nose and our lives in the toilet.  
  
I was left with nothing. No answers. No redemption. Nothing. His life left him in one short breath while I held him amongst tacky light up Santas.  
  
Death is not what movies portray it as. I think I was lost. I remember being there and then it was days later and I was at his parents house pretending to eat coffee cake with his family. The same family who ridiculed him, treated him like no one had begun to remember him as a saint.  
  
And for that Pacey I laughed. I laughed for you. You a saint. Your family thinking you are one. It was wrong to laugh maybe. It caused some stares. But you knew it and I knew it...it was laughable.  
  
I take a lot of the blame for what happened between us. I was enough for you. And that should have made me feel great. You should have been enough for me and you were in so many ways. I thought I could never be complete without both you and Dawson.  
  
You showed me didn't you? My life and my heart are so empty and vacuous that I'll probably never recover. I wonder if that makes you happy?  
  
Sad predicament. It took you leaving me forever to realize just how much I actually neeeded and loved you to begin with.  
  
Here I am now. Going through the motions of life. Waiting to finally get to say everything that I needed to say.  
  
Happy ending? Far from it. Cinderella and the Prince lived happily ever after because they were meant to be right? That's what they tell us. Don't believe it for a second... 


End file.
